This is thirty-five: lost. and. found.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
How is it possible to be completely lost, and yet more found than ever before, at exactly the same time? I don’t have the answer, but that’s where I am, and I'm trying to be OK with it. In case you are there too, here’s how I’m navigating.
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Like most mothers, I will never forget the moment I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I was in the fourth bathroom stall at Fred Meyer. I had just returned from a weekend visiting my best friend in Colorado and thought my body was having a tough time adjusting back to being at sea level. After the third straight morning of feeling sick, I stopped at the store on my way to work to ease my overactive mind that I was not pregnant. I couldn’t be. It wasn’t in the plan. I had a life plan that included being married for five years before having children. We would build up our careers and our savings account, get to know each other really well, and maybe even take a trip to Europe before we had children. We had only been married for six months, so I could not be pregnant.
If you are like me and thought you had a plan for your life at some point, you might understand my shock when the pregnancy test started showing up positive. I stared at that stick wishing one pink line would magically disappear. Suddenly I realized the four walls around me were very close, and getting closer. I fell to the floor, my head in my hands, my hands on my knees, and I cried. This was not in my plan.
Fast forward. I was blessed to have a healthy pregnancy, a beautiful daughter, 10 weeks of maternity leave, and then I returned to the office as a working mom.
Most of the changes that came with becoming a mom were expected and made sense. The change I didn’t see coming was my identity. I naively thought returning to work would be the same as I left it. Sure, my job was the same, my desk and stapler were the same, and all the work I left behind was right there waiting for me. But I operated on very little sleep, I had an extra human to get dressed in the morning, I had to take three 20-minute pump breaks every day, and I could no longer stay as late as I needed to finish a project. As great as I felt returning to work and feeling a sense of normalcy, I also recognized normal was being redefined. I was being redefined.
Redefining You
I am certain I had gone through seasons of identity crisis before, but I had never been so aware as I was on that day, and ever since. Now nine years later, I recognize the signs and symptoms of change almost immediately. Unfortunately, knowing how to respond is not much easier than it was on that first day back as a working mom.
I saw a quote recently that read, “Change is immediate. Transition takes time.” That has never been more true for me than right now. Much of my identity has been defined by getting straight A’s in school, building a meaningful career, and proving that “working mom” is not an oxymoron. When my career took a hard left recently, the title change was immediate, but the transition in my soul is taking some time.
I. feel. so. lost.
I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up or go to sleep each day. I don’t know what I would want my life to look like if I could design it from scratch. I don’t know what to do after 9pm most weeknights because that time used to be dedicated to catching up on emails. My self-discipline that worked overtime all the time is now at an all-time low, causing me to give in to unnecessary amounts of dark chocolate and episodes of New Girl on Netflix. This is not me.
Unfortunately, this is not the kind of lost that can be solved with Google Maps. I’ve realized it’s the kind of lost that is teaching me a hard lesson: standing firm and staying grounded regardless of the circumstances. It’s so easy in seasons of uncertainty to grab onto false hopes and unsteady anchor points, and give into our greatest weaknesses. The hard route for me is living by faith and not by sight, and trusting that while everything around me can change or fall apart, my foundation is immovable.
In an effort to see the blessing in this season, I’ve created a makeshift compass to guide my days.
North: Find one real anchor point.
I believe this is about surrendering our lives to something greater than ourselves. I have lived life for myself, and I have lived for a deeper meaning and purpose, and I choose purpose. This doesn’t have to be faith or religion. Just find something you can believe in that’s bigger than you and grab on for dear life. It’s not always easy. There are times I lose perspective and try to solve my problems with false truths. But what I know is true is we can withstand all storms when we are anchored to something solid.
South: You are born with a spirit of power. Use it.
This verse sums it up for me: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT) While I believe this spirit is granted by God, you do not have to believe that to know this is true. We are all hard-wired with these gifts, but there are thieves that steal these from us throughout life - bullying, abuse, addiction, bad choices, and so much more. The amount of self-discipline within me has not changed, but it is up to me to ignore it, or activate it. The power in my soul is stronger today than yesterday, but it is up to me to let it die, or give it life. And the love in my heart is endless, it’s up to me to keep it close, or give it away.
East: Face your fears. Then punch them in the face and keep on walking.
OK, you and I both know I’ve never been in a fist fight. My husband was in enough for both of us before I met him. But you get the point. I am scared of most things. Horror films. Tripping in my heels. Not living up to my own expectations. Not being enough - as a mother, wife, sister, friend, employee, you name it. And the big one, being fully seen and known. I pinned this quote several months ago: “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” It lands just as hard today as it did then. And I suspect it’s just as true for you as it is for me. Your fears are holding you back from greatness, and you deserve better, my friend. Get your boxing gloves on.
West: Lean in to people.
Watching my brother-in-law battle through his last three weeks of life at the University of Washington Medical Center was a life-changing experience in many ways. One of the most profound moments was when the doctor removed his intubation tube and told us he may only have a few hours (he ended up with several more days). It was December, the roads were icy, and the hospital was a couple hours from where we all lived. Regardless of those circumstances, about a dozen people surrounded his hospital bed in that moment. He had deep relationships and the people he loved and who loved him were there for him when it mattered most. What that moment taught me was that relationships are the single most important ingredient to living. We are not designed to do life alone. Build your tribe and give them your all.
This week, I turned 35. When I turned 30, I had these unrealistic expectations of feeling completely settled and “found” in this decade. Just like my life plan before becoming a mother, life seems to know when we create expectations, and finds a way of blowing them up and reminding us that we have no control. Now halfway through my 30’s, I have never been more lost, and yet more grounded at the same time. I’m learning to be ok with it, and invite you to stand with me if or when you lose your way.
