Spoiler Alert: There is a Cost to Everything

I don't know what it is, but when I see the words "spoiler alert," I'm immediately drawn to click the link and ruin the ending of whatever pop culture nonsense has made it to the top of the news cycle. Mostly, this relates to The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. You will not read any updates about these shows on this blog since they obviously give women a completely false sense of love and marriage. But no judgement from me if you are a fan. I will gladly connect you to some dedicated ladies in my office who are obsessed. They have morning meetings to debrief the previous night's drama, and I suspect they have some kind of prediction pool going on behind closed doors.

Here is my spoiler alert to you: work-life balance is a unicorn. It does not exist. In fact, "balance" in general is a mythical legend, much like the fairytales in our beloved Bachelor series. Sure, there are times when my kids are excelling, my husband likes me, and I'm meeting deadlines at work... Wait. Nope. Hasn't happened.

Nor do I expect it to happen.

Like so many areas of our lives, working toward a balanced life is simply a series of choices. Choosing which priority makes it to the top of the list and receives our full attention, and which one gets our leftovers. Mathematically speaking, we cannot give 100% in every area of our busy lives. I only took one quarter of physics in community college, but I am quite certain that everything we do equals 100% and even the most talented among us cannot exceed this number. So when I tell you I am giving 110% to my work, and 110% to my family, I am lying. To you, and myself.

I lived many years thinking I was giving everyone and everything 110%. And I had good reason to believe it. My performance reviews at work were good, my daughter knew her letters and their sounds at 18 months, and my marriage was decent. But of course, we've all heard that story before and we know there's a train wreck ahead. More on that in future stories.

So after crashing and burning time and time again, I stopped chasing fairytales. Instead, I have learned to make conscious choices, and live with them. I think you need to know some of them so you don't read this blog and think I have any sort of "balance," or even worse, that I have my life "all together." Every awesome thing I do comes at the cost of something or someone equally awesome. I believe once we accept this premise, we are freed from the bondage of trying to have it all, and are happy with having our appropriate slice.

Here is the dirty laundry of my daily choices:

Choice #1: I love to bake. It takes away my stress, tastes good when it's done, and people seem to appreciate when I share it. When I share photos of my baking adventures with you, know that baking came at the cost of conversation and kid-free time with Husband. Instead of sitting down with him and asking about his day, his upcoming hunting trip, or his latest favorite TV show, I choose to stay in the kitchen and put my energy toward flour and sugar. As any married couple knows, there are consequences to neglecting this important time together.

Choice #2: To balance out eating the previously noted baked goods, I love to run. Also a tremendous stress reliever, and keeps me mobile and active for my young girls. I do some of my best thinking while running, so I will write about my runs often. Every time I run, it comes at the cost of spending precious moments coloring, reading, and playing with my girls. I'm usually gone for 30-45 minutes, and then I take a 10-minute shower. That's about an hour of time away from them. As a working mom, that's a significant chunk of my home time. My daughter's reading ability has suffered from my lack of attentiveness.

Choice #3: Likely the most difficult choice for me is being a working mom. Choosing to be committed to the organization I serve comes at the cost of being available for my kids when they need me. I have missed countless school events, field days, open houses, and awards ceremonies that are important to my daughter. I missed more than I made it to last school year. This reality tears my heart in half.

Like every area of my life, this process of making choices is unfinished business. I am constantly assessing and re-assessing these choices, comparing them to my stated priorities and goals in life, and changing course when I can. My hope is that every busy parent can link arms together and collectively give up on trying to impress our friends, attempting to have it "all together," and stop pretending to have any semblance of balance. Instead, I believe we can celebrate in the good choices together, and cry through the bad ones in solidarity. I believe we can be a supporting network of people who accept our imperfections, and seek others who will give and receive unfiltered love and feedback. I believe this is possible because it is a different kind of fairytale - it's the kind that requires hard work. There is no prince to rescue us. It is up to us to remove our barriers and filters, so others feel comfortable walking alongside us.

This week I challenge us to consult a trusted friend about one of our tough choices, or ask someone for feedback on a tough choice we made. I pray we will find relief through this humility.