Shitshow or Avatar
“I believe we are called to live a life based on vulnerability and showing up as our authentic selves because that's the only way we can truly connect as humans. We find commonality, acceptance, compassion and unconditional love through the mess.”
Every time someone asks me "how are you," I think "She is going to be sorry for asking." My answer used to be easy: "Living the dream!" Partially sarcasm because we all know the dream is for teenagers, but mostly authentic because I truly was living a life beyond anything I've ever seen in my dreams.
In this season, the answer is often more complicated. My authentic answer to "How are you?" is "I'm ok." How people respond is interesting. Some people get super uncomfortable and visibly want to escape the conversation. Others lean in and launch their own series of questions. Regardless of how my answer makes anyone feel, I'm trying to show up with honesty. I can't say I'm fine when I'm not. I can't say I'm living the dream when I feel further away from my dreams than ever before. I also can't tell you the moments when my heart is aching beyond belief, because admitting the pain makes it feel too real.
It's hard to find people who answer this question with authenticity, so I loved the response I received several months ago with a near stranger. After getting a glimpse into his life, I asked him how it's all going. He asked this question back: "Do you want to know the shitshow or the avatar?" After I stopped laughing and had a minute to process, I realized this was brilliant. It gave the listener the option to hear what they want to hear. Some people aren't ready for the truth, some people are craving it, and others are somewhere between. He was giving me an out if I didn't want to know the messy version of him behind the professional photos and biography on his website.
Just so we're all on the same page, here are a couple definitions:
Avatar: something that embodies something else. In Hinduism the different gods can take many different forms, and when they took human forms, the human was their avatar. Eventually, the word avatar came to mean the embodiment not just of a god, but also of any abstract idea.
Shitshow: a description of an event or situation that takes an unexpected turn and is thrown into chaos. It’s another word for a spectacle or a complete mess. Shitshow can also be used to describe a person.
I wonder how often I am showing up with my avatar self versus my messy self? Even more, I wonder how often I am conscious about which version of me I am sharing with the world, and when it's appropriate to share each version?
THE AVATAR
I am blessed beyond belief and living a life I do not deserve. I have an incredible family, all of whom are healthy and happy. Beyond my immediate family, I have many of my family members within a 30-minute drive, and they are the most crazy and loving people imaginable.
In my 14-year professional career, I've experienced highs I believe many people never feel in a lifetime. I've been given opportunities of which I was not worthy, and received counsel and friendship from people with more wisdom and insight than I can dream of having by the time I die.
I am lucky my body is incredibly healthy and allows me to stay physically active, which I deeply value. I try not to take my health for granted, and yet, I know I do most days. I have been told I have a good smile, but mostly I think people just say that because it’s rare to see a genuine smile. I am lucky God has given me the desire to smile a lot, even on the hard days.
All of these blessings and fortunes make for a solid Instagram life, and an awesome avatar. While this version of my life is real and true, it's only half the story.
THE MESS
The avatar is the version many people see. It’s easy to share, and it makes for good conversation at networking events. But for those who are willing to go below the surface, the mess is real.
I care way too much about image. How this shows up when I am at my worst is an obsession over the scale, too much money spent on clothes, choosing to straighten my hair over play with my girls, and projecting a version of me that is seemingly perfect. It’s a daily battle to show up as my real and vulnerable self.
I continuously get my life priorities out of order. If you ask me, I will tell you my priorities are God, health, family, friends, and work. This order is important because I know I need to lean on faith as much on my good days as my bad days, I know I can’t take care of others if I’m not taking care of myself, and I know family and friends will be there in the end, and work will be a thing I did for a while. In reality, however, it’s usually more like this: work, family, health, God, friends. I don’t need to explain the problem to you with this order.
I make mistakes daily as a mom and wife. I come home late, I miss school deadlines, I turn on a movie instead of doing a craft or playing a board game, I don’t listen well, I raise my voice, I lose my patience, I don’t schedule date nights, and many days my family get my leftovers. I know this season of life is sweet and my kids will be grown and gone by the time I get my shit together, and yet, it’s been a decade since I became a parent and I continue to struggle.
And sometimes... I struggle with anxiety. I make bad decisions. I swear. I over complicate instead of simplify. I exaggerate. I play the victim. I say unkind things about people. I miss deadlines. The list goes on.
TAKE THE RISK
Brene Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I suspect that for many of us, the avatar comes naturally, and the mess requires feeling uncertain, taking a risk, and exposing ourselves to pain, judgment, or rejection. However, I believe we are called to live a life based on vulnerability and showing up as our authentic selves because that's the only way we can truly connect as humans. We find commonality, acceptance, compassion and unconditional love through the mess.
Our greatest growth takes place in the space between comfort and pain. Life has taught me there will be times when we have to live in that pain until we're finally willing to make the changes necessary to move out of our comfort zone and into the life we are meant to live. So let's take the risk of finding an extraordinary life by putting away our avatars every now and then and sharing our messy, lovable selves with the world.
