Grief + Gratitude
This is the sweet spot in life - that point where fear meets possibility and we know there is no turning back. No matter our fears, our anxieties, our sadness, our differences, our desire for control and foresight, we cannot choose to sit on the sidelines and remain unchanged even if we try.
My heart is simultaneously aching from depths I’ve never felt and yet full to the point of bursting with joy. Life right now is a constant roller coaster of emotion without a safety belt and with a few wheels about to go off the rails.
I’m reminded of an evening in California Adventure last summer. Have you ever been to a theme park designed for children without your children? I had this experience last July and it was so fun (although I admit seeing the joy of my daughters always wins when it comes to fun). Not only was I in this giant theme park, I was surrounded by fun friends and provided adult beverages. Think Bad Moms: California Adventure. Our last adventure of the night was the giant roller coaster. We were the last people allowed to go on the ride before the park closed. On this particular night (and maybe every night since it’s Disney), the ride operator asked if we wanted to go twice. I love a good roller coaster ride, but I also have a weak stomach, and at 37 years old, I know my limits. But just like a child, I had that feeling of equal parts terror and excitement when the ride operator asked if we want to go one more time. We did and I didn’t puke, so it’s a good memory.
That’s mostly what every day has felt like since about March 10. Every day is a roller coaster and at the end of every night, I hear this question from the universe asking if I want to go at it again tomorrow, and as much as I want to get off, I know I can’t pass up the thrill.
This is the sweet spot in life - that point where fear meets possibility and we know there is no turning back. This time of living in a pandemic and social unrest could be viewed as a weird sort of sweet spot. No matter our fears, our anxieties, our sadness, our differences, our desire for control and foresight, we cannot choose to sit on the sidelines and remain unchanged even if we try. We cannot claim to not acknowledge white privilege. We cannot refuse to wear a mask because we don’t believe in COVID-19. We cannot stand by and be quiet bystanders in our lives pretending we don’t hear and see what’s happening around us.
The range of emotions for me begin and end with grief and gratitude. I experience a medley of emotions in between many moments, hours, days, and weeks, but those endpoints define my roller coaster. And the sweet spot is when grief and gratitude intersect.
The Grief
The grief I have and am experiencing while our country navigates a pandemic and racist acts of violence is minuscule by comparison. What is creating the deepest grief in my heart is the pain felt by those who have lost loved ones, to COVID-19 and racism. My heart aches for the families of so many black lives that have been wrongfully taken. My heart aches for the families who have lost a set of parents and grandparents because COVID-19 attacked their immune system. My heart aches for my coworkers, friends, and family who are furloughed and don’t know when or if they’ll return to work. My heart aches for those who have been isolated and alone during a long quarantine. My heart aches for those who are struggling with depression and anxiety. The list goes on.
A New York Times article focused on understanding grief by highlighting the work of two authors on the subject:
“Both authors emphasize that grief is not a problem to be solved or resolved. Rather, it’s a process to be tended and lived through in whatever form and however long it may take. … The way to survive grief is by allowing pain to exist, not in trying to cover it up or rush through it.”
One of the authors highlighted shared this perspective on her grief of losing a loved one:
"It took a year for me to shed my armor and openly mourn the incalculable loss. But 60 years later, I still treasure her most important legacy: To live each day as if it could be my last but with an eye on the future in case it’s not."
What I appreciate about the excerpts is the acceptance that grief is not wrong or bad or shameful, but rather a necessary passage on the journey to peace, love, and joy.
The Gratitude
My future brother-in-law texted on a Friday night about a month into the Stay Home order asking if I could watch my baby nephew that Saturday morning. He was two months old at the time and I love baby snuggles, so the answer should be an easy yes. In pre-COVID life, I estimate a 25% chance I could or would have said yes. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had created a life that was so "busy," it's likely I would have had something scheduled that morning.
Like many of you, COVID stopped my "busy" life. I stopped commuting 75 minutes every day. I stopped taking my daughter to dance six hours a week. I stopped paying a nanny - who has become part of our family - to come at 6am to get my girls ready and on the bus for school. I stopped volunteering as the art docent in my daughter's classroom and as the soccer coach for my daughter’s U-8 team. I stopped going to happy hours. I stopped staying late at the office. I stopped going to events and gatherings every weekend. I went two months without filling up my gas tank.
This hard stop on life allowed me to immediately say "yes" to an opportunity for baby snuggles on a quiet Saturday morning. The grief from the loss of so many things in our lives intersected with gratitude for a precious moment in time I will cherish forever.
The Intersection
I believe two things:
Gratitude can carry us through almost any adversity.
The intersection of grief and gratitude brings us to peace.
University of California Berkeley published "How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain" through its Greater Good Science Center:
"Much of our time and energy is spent pursuing things we currently don’t have. Gratitude reverses our priorities to help us appreciate the people and things we do. ... When you write about how grateful you are to others and how much other people have blessed your life, it might become considerably harder for you to ruminate on your negative experiences."
I shared all the components of my busy life I lost above. But that is not my perspective. I have gained so much more. I've gained 10 hours a day with my sweet girls, the most precious gift I never imagined possible as a working mom. Even better, I’ve gained a summer at home with these precious daughters - the first we’ve ever had together. I've gained an appreciation for my home I've honestly never had, a home that has become my sanctuary and safe space, a privilege for which I am deeply grateful. I've gained the opportunity to workout every morning before work without having to get up before the sun rises. I've gained deeper and more authentic coworker relationships because we're more reliant on each other than ever before.
The list of blessings could go on forever. While gratitude can shift the spirit of our heart, it's the intersection of these two extreme emotions where we find true peace. The kind of peace that comes from inside our heart and guides our mind and actions.
I believe we can experience positive change as individuals and a community out of our current circumstances. This requires us to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, find points of intersection, and lean into the journey. This requires us to decide when, where, and how to take meaningful action. This requires us to accept that while a global pandemic is new for us, change is as old as time, and we are being given a beautiful opportunity to evolve into a better version of ourselves.
